Lessons I Learn ...

discovery of self and the world

A bit more about me ...

First, this is not an ego trip via a blog, or two blogs in this case.

If you are at www.stephencarey.com, you will find some of the lessons I have learned and am still learning, as I first faced a six year battle with cancer, and now continue to deal with the severe chronic pain, plus the various surgeries and "procedures" to repair things damaged by the treatments which I chose in my effort to enter into remission.

In this six year battle with cancer, which is only now considered in remission, I was on a few rough chemo drugs, meaning I gave myself an injection every day for a year, then, four months on, three months off. Now, I take a more known chemo drug, but in pill form; one which I will be on for as long as I live. The amazing thing about this drug is that the bald head in the picture, of which I have never let bother me for even a moment, is now out of date, for it seems this drug grows baby hair on the top of the head. Then, the baby hair seems to give way to normal adult hair, which matches what was there a decade ago. Kind of cool, but not earth shattering, for I would give up the drug if I thought I could keep the cancer away.

If you happen to be on www.stephencarey.net, you will see that after bouncing around a bit, never sure of a true direction for the site, I have finally found that direction or course for the site. When I began the site it was really a series of random posts, they are good and noteworthy, but they do not tie things together; and, I prefer to tell stories. In this case I want to use this blog and its posts to examine the many voices which would still never be heard by the world, were it not for the Internet, the Web, and the growth of social tools.

The reason for these sites:

No, in no way does the world revolve around me, not even in my, at times, rather out of control id.

Yet, we (me) seem to want to share a bit about ourselves to the world. Actually, that statement is silly. There is no "world" to see this. It may be seen by a few friends and others as they sift through all of the silliness and seriousness which can be found on the Web. But, it is not the world. The many tribes in the Amazon region don't give one thought about any of this. Those not fortunate enough to even put food on the table do not care about this. Somehow, it seems to be a way to belong; and, for me, a way to stay connected through technology to the many new voices to which I have access. With that in mind, on www.stephencarey.com, I share my experiences with my fight with cancer and the extreme chronic pain, not for pity, but, to support anyone else who may be going through something similar in some form or fashion.

Also, I look for other takes on what I have chosen to write about. I love learning, and I am always open to listening and learning about the other side of issues which I may care about. That brings dialogue, and that brings education, and that brings a populace more likely to work with each other rather than against one another.

One last site:

Let's start at where we go to recharge after chemo, work, and just because we need to leave our home for our taste of heaven. Our place to relax is in Costa Rica. We saw it, and stopped looking at any other properties. For us, this is perfection. Take a look:

http://www.atriptoparadise.com Yes, there can be heaven on Earth.

All the best, and as you travel the Web, I wish you traveling mercies.

Lessons I learn: Discovery of self and the world by Stephen Carey is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at www.stephencarey.com.

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Oh, How One's Faith Can Be Tested

This is such an odd and silly thing, yet, in the middle of it, I could feel my faith and my connection to my higher spirit being pulled on a bit.

The silly part is that I have made it to remission with my cancer, after many years of work by my great doctors, then a simple clumsy move changes a lot of things.

It was about 5:15 a.m. and I was having a dream. In that dream I was trying to board a yacht (sounds very much like a Bourne Supremacy plot). Just as my dream self was almost in the yacht a wave knocked me off and I fell.

If real life, I had been holding on to the edge of the bed. I let go or my fingers gave out. I went down. My head hit the side table so hard that I still have a dimple from the corner of the table. My head went flying back, my body fell off the bed. In doing so, my left knee hit the side board on the bed. Next thing I knew was that I was covered in blood from the head wound, my left knee cap was on the side of my leg and I just hurt a lot.

My partner got me to the hospital, I was taken care of, yet, the knee would and still does need surgery. I am using a came and a typical knee brace until the surgery, which will happen when I come back from a break at our home in Costa Rica.

The part that actually tested my faith came about a few days later. I noticed a slight pain in my back - or maybe just in about a half-inch and between my the edge of my left scapula and my spine. The pain eventually got so bad that I was hospitalizes for it and know one could tell me what was going on. My thinking was a very odd rotator cuff which somehow had the pain in that area of my back. This pain has almost no way to describe it horror.

I came up with, being speared by a molten lead spear, which entered by back, then opened up and let out molten lava which would never cool down, though, it would spread. After a few hours of using my left arm I was just out of it in pain. I was and am on pain killers, but, they don’t do a thing for this.

I had my MRI for the shoulder. I went to the orthopedic doctor for shoulders, in this orthopedic practice in which every doctor seems to have their own joint. Finally, I see this doctor. I won’t go into his total lack of bedside manner, but it was dealt with later. He told me that my rotator cuff was fine. He felt around a bit - I mean - you know, a bit - three seconds. And, then he had his diagnosis: my cancer was back in full and there was a tumor. That was his official diagnosis. I knew in my heart that he was just a pompous ass. Yet, as I got in my car, my mind said, no way that was right, but, part of it didn’t know what to believe. I just didn’t know. I called some friends and did not discuss this with each of them, I mostly wanted to think about something else. None of this made sense.

That night the pain was there again and my blood pressure was 197/124 (the lower number being the one the doctors most worry about). That showed them the level of pain I was in at that time.

I was getting angry at my Higher Spirit for just putting me in this situation. Well, I was admitted to the hospital and after a few days they could find no reason for the pain. I was released. I was now lost as to how my Higher Spirit was helping me get through this.

I soon found out. I relaxed on night, with my arm in a sling, so, that way I did not use it and there was not significant pain. My leg was in a brace and my cane (that sounds so silly, but, I could not use crutches) beside me. I just reflected on what I knew of the body and on the way I described the fall. I always said that my head was thrown back hard. I wondered if the muscles and some nerves were damaged. I saw my primary doctor and he agreed. So, I started to get help at what has turned out to be an unbelievable physical therapy clinic. It is high tech, great care, fun people. They had seen this before. Now, I am getting care and I will say, the pain is massive when I am there, but it is fine a few minutes later. The muscles which must have been knotted up are slowly relaxing.

My pain clinic still wants MRI images of my spine. Fine, no big deal. But, I feel that things are going just as they should.

What surprised me most has been how confused I was getting about my Higher Spirit. What expectations did I have of it? Was it to heal me with a wisp of air? No, I found the answer. It helped me relax enough to realize how well I know my own body. And, it led me to find the best place for me to get help. My faith didn’t lapse, but it did get confused. This is something that I am sure will happen again, and that is okay. I think that it is normal, at least for me.

Jul
7