Lessons I learn

I wrote this just as I was coming to terms that my life might always be one of severe pain, that the cancer may or may not go away, and, that the treatments would be very harsh.   But, the pain was beyond what any mind could imagine.  I felt I had to confront my Higher Spirit, whose name I used to call God - they are pretty much the same, but Higher Spirit has more of a definition within it, which helps me function.

Rage

God: Rage, what is it?
Me: It is fucking powerful.

God: What is it made from?

Me: Fucking fear - more than we should ever experience.
God: What else?

Me: knowing we are not in control.

God: Is there more?

Me: Don’t you know, didn’t you give this to me? Are you my God? Why would you ask? You did this, didn’t you?

God: What do you think?

Me:I am too tired to think. You win, you wore me down!

God: Were we in a war?

Me: You know what I mean.

God: No, tell me.

Me: You set this up, this whole thing is a set up, a test - to prove if my love for you can last through what this week has been like.

God: Do you really believe that - stop! Think first.

Me: No, I don’t.

God: What do you think?

Me: Bad things happen and what we do with them is what counts.

God: Sounds good, but those are just words, you don’t feel like words today do you?

Me: I am angry at you, mad, very mad. I am scared - maybe confused is a better word.

God: Maybe prayer will tell you which word to use, possible?

Me: So you have someone on their knees begging for help?

God: Come on, not again, do you believe that? Really?

Me: No, you love me, I don’t believe that.

God: Child, tell me, tell me and your daemon, what is really going on - but first know that my love can’t be measured and it can’t be stripped from you. It protects you, your soul, ego and daemon all of the time - no matter what. Child, know that and know it even more.

Me: I am confused, like I said. So many doctors, so many wonderful people trying to help, but things are tumbling out of control. STOP, don’t say it, God. I never had control, I know. So, I am confused by a bunch of doctors and I have to make choices and these are choices that truly know one ever had to make before. The wrong one and this cancer may kill me faster or the pain will get worse.

God: Excuse me, okay?

Me: Sure.

God: We all have to make tough decisions, all of my children do. In your case there is no right or wrong one for that would mean there was a game or a war going on. No matter the choice you get to decide first, the choice; second, what to do with it once it’s made. Sounds like there is some control there. Or do I hear that you want to know the end result of each choice so you make the right one.

Me: YES, YES, that’s it.

God: Stephen, Stephen, the end result is the same. You are still you. You still choose how to behave and live your life. You rest with me as we begin that part of your life - no matter what choice you make now.

Me: I get it. But, God and my Daemon, I am so tired. I don’t know if I can make a choice.

God: Do you need to make it tonight?

Me: No.

Daemon: Let’s go to bed, Stephen. Tomorrow will bring us new ideas and I promise it will be different from today.

Me: Okay, good night, God.

God: Sleep well and remember, I am part of you, of everyone, so I am not going anywhere tonight, I will be with you.