Journal

Grace - A Word With Value

2010-02-02T06:51:49Z

One of the greatest gifts that God can give us is Grace, or, I see it that way. This is the best definition of the word as I have ever seen:

Fredrerick Buechner wrote:

After centuries of handling and mishandling —- most religious words have become so shopworn nobody is much interested any more. Not so with grace, for some reason. Mysteriously, even derivatives like gracious and graceful still have some of the bloom left.

Grace is something you can never get but only be given. There?s no way to earn it or deserve it or bring it about — any more than you can deserve the taste of raspberries and cream or earn good looks or bring about your own birth.

A good sleep is grace and so are good dreams. Most tears are grace. The smell of rain is grace. Somebody loving you is grace. Loving somebody is grace. Have you ever tried to love somebody?

A crucial eccentricity of the Christian faith is the assertion that people are saved by grace.

There’s nothing you have to do.

There’s nothing you have to do.

There’s nothing you have to do.

The grace of God means something like: Here is your life.   You might never have been —- but you are because the party wouldn’t have been complete without you.     Here is the world.     Beautiful and terrible things will happen.    Don’t have to be afraid.    I am with you.    Nothing can ever separate us.     It’s for you I created the universe.   I love you.

****   There’s only one catch.   Like any other gift —— the gift of grace can be yours only if you will reach out and take it.

Maybe being able to reach out and take it is a gift too.

Rage: A Look Back

2009-12-28T00:34:55Z

I wrote this just as I was coming to terms that my life might always be one of severe pain, that the cancer may or may not go away, and, that the treatments would be very harsh. But, the pain was beyond what any mind could imagine. I felt I had to confront my Higher Spirit, whose name I used to call God - they are pretty much the same, but Higher Spirit has more of a definition within it, which helps me function.

Rage

God: Rage, what is it?
Me: It is fucking powerful.

God: What is it made from?

Me: Fucking fear - more than we should ever experience.
God: What else?

Me: knowing we are not in control.

God: Is there more?

Me: Don’t you know, didn’t you give this to me? Are you my God? Why would you ask? You did this, didn’t you?

God: What do you think?

Me:I am too tired to think. You win, you wore me down!

God: Were we in a war?

Me: You know what I mean.

God: No, tell me.

Me: You set this up, this whole thing is a set up, a test - to prove if my love for you can last through what this week has been like.

God: Do you really believe that - stop! Think first.

Me: No, I don’t.

God: What do you think?

Me: Bad things happen and what we do with them is what counts.

God: Sounds good, but those are just words, you don’t feel like words today do you?

Me: I am angry at you, mad, very mad. I am scared - maybe confused is a better word.

God: Maybe prayer will tell you which word to use, possible?

Me: So you have someone on their knees begging for help?

God: Come on, not again, do you believe that? Really?

Me: No, you love me, I don’t believe that.

God: Child, tell me, tell me and your daemon, what is really going on - but first know that my love can’t be measured and it can’t be stripped from you. It protects you, your soul, ego and daemon all of the time - no matter what. Child, know that and know it even more.

Me: I am confused, like I said. So many doctors, so many wonderful people trying to help, but things are tumbling out of control. STOP, don’t say it, God. I never had control, I know. So, I am confused by a bunch of doctors and I have to make choices and these are choices that truly know one ever had to make before. The wrong one and this cancer may kill me faster or the pain will get worse.

God: Excuse me, okay?

Me: Sure.

God: We all have to make tough decisions, all of my children do. In your case there is no right or wrong one for that would mean there was a game or a war going on. No matter the choice you get to decide first, the choice; second, what to do with it once it’s made. Sounds like there is some control there. Or do I hear that you want to know the end result of each choice so you make the right one.

Me: YES, YES, that’s it.

God: Stephen, Stephen, the end result is the same. You are still you. You still choose how to behave and live your life. You rest with me as we begin that part of your life - no matter what choice you make now.

Me: I get it. But, God and my Daemon, I am so tired. I don’t know if I can make a choice.

God: Do you need to make it tonight?

Me: No.

Daemon: Let’s go to bed, Stephen. Tomorrow will bring us new ideas and I promise it will be different from today.

Me: Okay, good night, God.

God: Sleep well and remember, I am part of you, of everyone, so I am not going anywhere tonight, I will be with you.

Marriage = Bussiness Law ? Yes, so true.

2009-12-21T05:04:24Z

As I mentioned in my last post, of some time ago, I am sorry, but not surprised that when given a referendem the concep of gay marraige loses. And, if all civil liberties were held the same way, women would not vote, and my African American brother would not vote, let alone be my President. Of that last item, I am so blessed to have seen in my lifetime.

But to this marriage mess. It truly does fall under business law. So, it seems my idea, which others have certainly thought and expressed more fluently than I. To me, it is simple and hurts no one. We either have a federal law or amendment, which as of a given date, with all those in what is called a marriage grand fathered in, which calls for any two, of age, adults who want to spend their lives together, have what can be called a civil union. It would hold all of the same rights as does what we now call marriage, which is a religious pact. After, before, or never, the couple could then hold a spiritual ceremony, usually called marriage. No one’s faith is trampled on, no one should think that marriage is in trouble, lest they feel their church is in trouble.

Ahh, it sounds so simple. But, the world is full of those who don’t want to learn or ask questions. The world is too full of people who want to blame others for their troubles. That is almost natural, but it shouldn’t be. If true faith is alive within one, then blaming others tarnishes our soul, for we don’t speak the truth. If our goal is to spread fear by blaming some group, we lose on many counts. The biggest is the chance those we call our forefathers took when writing the Constitution and so many great documents. Have faith in them, those we have trusted for so long. Have faith in this experiment of theirs. Have faith in yourself to trust others and to know what you own and leave it at that.

This country must and will change or the Grand Experiment Fails

2009-11-04T12:13:42Z

Well, the people of Maine have spoken and the law allowing same sex marriages was tossed out. There is a kind of bright spot, the constitution of Maine doesn’t permit human rights issues to go to referendum, for if it did, we would still be very much segragated. The hope is that the Supreme Court of Maine will see this and knock the referendum question as unconstitutional. They could then pass an ammendment, but that may be tougher.

They did relax, way more than California has, the use of medical marijuana, they are setting up State owned marijuana pharmacies
and they have added to the list of what it can be used for, also passing what California has done.

But they won’t let two people in love get married.

There is a very grass roots (is that one word?) movement, growing fast and nationally, that would propose an amendment baning the right of non-elected or non-governmental people, most likely appointed to the position , such as various state or local government people to perform a civil union. In this plan, everyone would need to be in a civil union to get the exact same rights, state by state, as what we call marriage at this time.

Some of the “clergy” who can handle this massive and financial responsibility to the state and the national government are not even citizens of this country, and they have more power than a regular citizen.

It would work just like divorce works, you haav to go the government and its rules to get a divorce and work out many things, including custody issues.

If marriage is the province of the religious and the clergy, then why don’t they have the power to handle a divorce? And, why can a man and a woman, go out of state and into Las Vegas or Northern Maryland and get married within a hour by a justice of the peace.

If it is a truly spiritual event, then it doesn’t need the government to be in that part of it. The two people can still get “married,” with all of its spiritual connotations.

This way, the state, as laid out in the Constitution and a number of the amendments could stay out of the marriage business and handle the civil union part. If Congress took a long look at how much all of this is costing them, they would pull out immediately. Divorce is a legal issue, and, for some a spiritual issue. But, to get a divorce one must go to the government, why not the church that married them? So, they would be divorced as far as the the governments are concerned. They would have to handle the spiritual part on their own, if they even wanted to since it would not be required.

So, civil union, which has the legal rights of what was called marriage, would be performed for those wanting the binding relationship and the tax perks that go with it; and marriage would be the duty of the couples church of their choice, allowing the church leader the power to perform the marriage or decide the couple is not ready. Yet, they would still be in what we now call marriage.

That is the only way we will get this to work and it will change one way or another.

I so hope and pray that this happens. The country should not be in the marriage, a religious act, as they are now. They should handle the spiritual portion of it. For some, that would be enough, just their church, though the government would see them as single, as they do now to gay men and woman who have been in a loving and strong marriage for 15 year, 25 years, whatever. They can get married via a church, but that clegy does not have the same rights of the other clergy. So the government is deciding which religion is better for the people.

We have come far, and have so much farther to go. But, thing will change. They will have to, or this grand experiment of a Republic Democratic Center Government will fail. Trust me, their are many ways that we may fail.

Life comes roaring back like the metaphorical tsunami!

2009-09-08T00:53:37Z

So much has gone on these past months that I can’t really choose a place to begin, at least not this evening. Suffice it to say that my life doesn’t get dull, this time around I made it much less dull, and that was not a good thing.

But, I am here, with a thank you to Squarspace for getting my site back up and running, as my subscription had run out while I was in or between hospital or doctors.

Tonight must end early, I need to rest. I can say that my long term disability insurance company came through and after reading through what my doctors and hospitals sent they cleared me for my coverage. Now, I need to get the Social Security to make a decision. I believe it will be approved, but one has to slow way, way, way down to the speed they seem to work. My guess is that there are not enough staff for the amount of work that is present. I applaud them for even being able to go to work when it must seem like they will never get enough completed.

To all, enjoy tomorrow, have a very good week. Life is good.

Travel -staying grounded when life is travel

2008-07-29T02:05:13Z

Honesty is going to be in this post a lot, let’s start by saying that I need to get the words out, but for tonight, there will be no proofing. It will be what it is. Let’s hoe it comes close to English, if not, you can fill in the messed up working or punctuation.

I have to be honest, I have traveled a whole lot - many times, far distances, numerous time zones, red-eye flights, even LA in one day (there in the morning, back on the red-eye). So, how does one find a way, a method, if you will, to stay grounded when on the road so much.

Being on the road can be unsettling. There is the normal to be expected, home sickness for my partner, even my pet cats. But also for the spiritual meetings I would attend, how easy it was to catch up with someone, not worry about what time zone they or I were in. I handle this travel and the concept of staying centered in one central manner, which has branches off of it.

That is of making a very firm connection with the daemon of my life, making personal and very real contact. Contact which allows me to pray with him, to discuss issues with him, to explain my fears to him, you name it, I will discuss it and listen for the answers in a number of ways.

This time the travel started out with us - my 20 year old God Daughter - a bit off kilter. First, I was in the hospital for a week, the week we were supposed to go to Costa Rica. This would have been her first time. I was truly sick and we didn’t know if or when I would be getting out. After a week the doctors got my body stabilized. I could eat and drink water - major events for me at that time. So, being totally non-rational we scheduled our trip for as soon as I got out. I came home one day and 36 hours later was flying toward equatorial Costa Rica, not bad. Our house was in great shape, my clothes are kept there, so travel was light and easy. But, it wasn’t just my God-Daughter and me, no, I was in daily, if not hourly, contact with my daemon. I needed guidance through these ten days. My God Daughter put NO, NONE AT ALL pressure on me. She was incredible, Kind, loving and thrilled that I would bring her to such a beautiful spot. We had a few plans, but not many. Pictures will go up later, once I get her permission.

The most fun tour, other than just doing things on our own, was a great canopy tour, where we did the zip line, repelled down 100 feet, did Tarzan like rope swings. It was safe and fun. I just let myself go and relaxed during it all. I felt my daemon by my side the entire time. You see, this was a spiritual experience for me. I couldn’t be there, with my God Daughter and not have it be so. I love her so much, I would do anything for her, I will offer my unsolicited advice if I think it is warranted - I love her enough to let her hate me (as Carol Burnett put it about her daughter). But, it never came to that. The mutual respect was there.

So, we spent 10 days having a blast, connecting with the land in a truly spiritual manner and with each other is the same manner. We became friends - grown-up friends for life. But, all things must end and home we came. It was a fun trip home and we got in at about mid-night one night. My partner picked us up and we couldn’t describe it, it was ours and it was special.

But, my travels did not end then. I had to catch a 6:00 a.m. flight out the next morning for Huntintong Beach, by way of LA. I took Virgin America, first class, and was on the flight with no sleep. I did some work when I got there, had one meeting, and then did work by myself for the meetings the next day - meetings about a show we are producing there in September, so this is very close. I was well prepared for my meetings, as was everybody and this client is the best, so I knew we would be in good hands. I then took the red-eye home so I could get back t our house which had a fire in it the night we got back from Costa Rica. Luckily we were all there. The TV in the bedroom - I know, not a good place for a TV - caught fire while it was off. The firemen said it is the number one reason for house fires. Luckily, I was walking by the bedroom at about 1:00 a.m. and saw it and then all seven of the smoke detectors and heat detectors went off.

It was out fast. The firemen were great, replacing every battery in the smoke detectors, replacing the smoke detector in the bedroom for after a fire it can lose sensitivity. They used massive fans to air out the house. They ROCKED.

Finally, they left and I had to find clothes that didn’t smell like burning wired - NOT EASY. I had clothes in the drier. So, I went in jeans and a nice shirt which was hanging up in the family room - I don’t know why, but it was fine.

I decided that though I had to get up in about 2 hours, I needed that time to myself. I spoke with my daemon and discussed life, the gives and takes of life, and how good my life was, despite the cancer, a new company (dooing well), an incredible partner for life, and more. I also discussed where I would like to improve as a person, where I would like to take my soul. It was good.

Jumping to the red-eye flight home, I spoke with the flight attendant almost the entire time. I wasn’t tired, she was away and we had a great discussion on living life on life’s terms, what a conversation at 37,500 feet above sea level.

So, I got home. I am home now, for a few weeks. I love it here. I am going to sit next to my lover of nearly 14 years. I am not proofing this until morning, but most likely no one will read it before then anyway - true? Just my daemon and me.

Love yourself, love others, love your life. Ask for help if you need it. Share the good and the bad, don’t be afraid.

For what it is worth, I love you.

To Mom

2008-05-11T18:08:50Z

Well, don’t know when you will read this, but the message means the same thing no matter the time read: I love you. You have given me such a wonderful life and you have taught me how to take hold of what I have and make the most of it. You are part of me, a large part. No day passes into morning without you coming to mind in some way, usually in a manner of thought. “What would mom do if she had this in front of her?” Or maybe something as simple as driving down the road, the traffic a bit heavy and I think, “Wow, mom doesn’t have to worry about this so much, good for her, she deserves the best.”

Then, the night does turn to morning and it starts again. Many times with a call just to hear your voice, it makes me feel good. Your presence in my life is one which I believe many people don’t have with their mothers, though I could be wrong. But, I think you and I click on a different level, certainly the most cherished, mother and son; but, also, friend to friend, and maybe the oddest one - business partner to business partner. This one brings all of the others into play and takes them to a new level, asks new things of them, and at the same time makes us partners at trying to run our businesses, make a go at it. And, we are both good at what we do. Not bragging, just the way it is. And, a good portion of the credit for that goes to the faith we have in each other. At least that is my kind of odd belief. Weird, huh?

So, this Mothers’ Day, as you travel around, not at home with Bill, know that I am thinking of you, excited about your short, but cherished visit. Even Lollipop, who has to give up her room is excited. And to prove it to you, I am going to put on clean sheets, for the white ones on there now are kind of hair covered black. Lollipop would be pleased to share them with you, but who really wants to breath in her hair?

I think I have covered it. I will take what time you have, one day or a month. Maybe I can get up to your home in Victor for a three day weekend in the next month or two. I had such a pleasant time during my last visit and I love seeing Bill. I spoke to him tonight, just to say hello and see how he was doing. He misses you much. It is nice to be loved.

Happy Mothers’ Day and thank you for all of the things I can think of and all of the things that I can’t, but are part of me and help make me who I am today, someone I rather like and I owe that to you, among a few others.

With deep love,

Stephen

Living in my Spritual Shoes

2008-03-29T17:51:51Z

Hi, again. It has been some time since I have visited my own journal of discovery. Sort of shameful. I can’t say my life was so busy I couldn’t get to it until recently. I managed a vacation to our home in Costa Rica, work was good, but not silly busy as it is now.

For now I find myself slammed with six major projects all coming to final production in the next six weeks. There are the hundreds of details of each project to keep straight, handle, learn, and make work. There are the team members of each project or show, one with a load-in crew of about thirty.

I have not organized my work life, until today, to produce this many projects at once. We can do it, we have done it, but one must be truly organized. Each projects must be laid out so that pieces of it don’t enter the truth of another project, which is a sure set-up for confusion, at the very least.

However, more than being extremely organized with paper, phone calls, email, and meetings, I must be wearing my Spiritual Shoes, if you will allow such a metaphor. I need to see each project and the hundreds of details of each project, plus all of them together while being in a spiritual mind set. It is important that I know my mood and my manner during each meeting or phone call should be guided by my spiritual principles. This allows me to stay calm when things don’t go the way I may have hoped, it allows me to treat others in a truly kind manner, know matter the subject at hand.

When writing an email about a negative issue I must remember that there is a soul at the other end of the chain of computer relays which deliver the message. I want to solve the problem, not hurt the recipient or use the email as a way to prove to myself that I am in charge and important. I either know my place in the scheme of the project and of life or I don’t. Beating someone up in any manner won’t fix not knowing.

Prayer helps me remember my place in the team. Sure, I am the leader, but I have clients, they have ideas. Sure, I am the leader of my team, but my team members have ideas. When I listen I grow. When I can take an idea from else wear and use it to make the project better we all win, but especially me. I will have learned something, I will have stayed “right sized” and I will find less stress.

To accomplish all of this, I get up each morning and make sure I put on my Spiritual Shoes through prayer, reflection and/or meditation. It doesn’t take long to put them on; and, the day ahead doesn’t seem quite so daunting.

Above that, I have the chance to join the world in a peaceful, yet energetic manner. At night, as I slow down, no matter the time, my soul doesn’t feel heavy due to my behavior or thoughts, instead it feels a true part of me and the work of living a spiritual life. I don’t take off my Spiritual Shoes and go to bed, no, I put on my Spiritual Slippers, for the night holds much life to it also.****

Roasting Coffee Beans Into Serenity

2007-11-08T01:22:09Z

I can’t really explain it, but for about 3 months now I have been roasting my own coffee beans. I get them fresh, still green and ready to be roasted over the next year or two. I keep about a 30 pound stash (as it is called) on hand. The beans are from all over the coffee producing world, places I would have never expected to grow coffee, or just never gave it thought, such as Cameroon. I love coffee, but always felt it was somehow not quite right.

When visiting our home in Costa Rica I would have freshly roasted coffee and it tasted as it smelled. I also drank it black. So, I wanted to try it. After much research I got myself what is called an IR2, a good beginner roaster, though one can roast in a metal dog dish with a heat gun, over a fire, on a stove (with good ventilation), or go bigger and use drums which rotate over a grill. For me, as the lone coffee drinker it was the IR2, which has a lot of room to learn the many different ways to roast, the different roast profiles of beans can be entered into the machine and so on.

Also, after much more research, I decided to buy my beans from Sweet Maria’s, one hell of a place. The beans all chosen after being tested by the owners, if they don’t reach a certain level of quality he doesn’t offer them, much different than other bean sellers. I also found out that the way one grinds coffee makes a big difference. A burr grinder is the way to go. I eventually got one of the mid-priced grinders, the best I can do right now. And that first cup of coffee ground on it was about 10 times better than the whirly bird grinder. Even my mother, whom I roast coffee for, bought one.

So, I could go on and on. I urge you to check this out for it is amazing. Look at the sites I have suggested, read about how much there is to learn, but know that you only need to go as far as you want and you will still have better coffee than you have ever had. I can no longer drink any other coffee. I am NOT a snob about it, I just don’t order it.

The first very cool thing I noticed about this is that I had found a calling, in a way, that I could make myself and offer as a gift. The beans are less than half the cost of roasted beans, so that isn’t a major issue. What is an issue is that I now have something I can take the time to make. I choose the bean from nearly 60 countries and many beans from each, then I decide on the roast for that bean, for many beans have different flavors at certain roasts. Then, I can give it as a gift. It is a wonderful experience. I feel so good. For longer than I can remember I have felt “less than” due to the fact that I just didn’t have a hobby or avocation which I could share with others. Now I do.

Next, and this caught me off guard, I found the roasting process to be a solitude experience, one that I love and can lose myself in, working over issues and thoughts as I go along my way. The actual roast part takes a lot of concentration from all of the senses, but the quick prep and clean up, then writing my copious notes of each roast allows me to get lost and let the worries of the day slide off of me. I may work out issues without really thinking of them, but more times than not it is just me and the beans. I can truly - and I know this sounds odd - feel the way the bean wants to be roasted. Then I try my best. I write a profile of temperature and time for each cycle I feel it needs or experience has taught me it needs. I then watch and listen. The ears play a critical part in the roast, as do the eyes to see the color of the bean and the nose to catch the smell of the smoke. (I use a dryer duct hose connected to the top of the roaster and attached at the other end to my kitchen exhaust fan to drive out the smoke, but the smell is still there).

This is really hard to explain, but it is a spiritual experience for me. I love to try new beans, all of which are Free Trade and Organic. Actually, I don’t lose myself, but I find and live in another part of me. It is peaceful and calm. It is exciting and even, at times, tense - when trying a new bean. It can take many roasts with different profiles to dial in the flavors such as chocolate, cherry, cedar, blueberry, other fruits, even an earthy flavor - I find it all amazing.

I urge you to check it out. You can spend very little by using a popcorn popper or an off the shelf roaster, then, should you want, you can graduate to all sorts of amazing contraptions, none of which need to set you back much, though you can go the way of the professionals and spend tens of thousands - do that if you are opening a coffee shop.

I can swear that the coffee I drink now is nothing like I have ever had. It changes each day after the roast and will stay fresh for about 10 days or so, but even past that it is better than any canned or Starbucks coffee, in my opinion and I am sure you will agree. What I learned about the chain stores is that they have to make their product taste the same all over. Well, the roast of the bean changes with each orchard it may come from, how the crop was that year and many other variables. So, to be truly fresh each store would need a great person to roast the beans, then truly great barristas to make the drinks. Since they need to keep the flavor the same they take the bean to the just burned point. That way each drink will taste the same. One nickname people use for one store is “Charbucks” due to how burned the beans are. I DO NOT dislike the stores themselves. I love to see people get together and have fun and talk. I just wish they could taste the many beans out there - I wish the chains would risk it and give us more credit. Sorry, off of my soapbox.

Okay, try it. Drop me a note and let me answer your questions. I will be honest. I may be new, but I am deep into this. I may even roast tonight - just to give it away to a friend tomorrow or the next day.

That’s it for now. I just wanted to share this new and very true passion of mine. Take care, please.

Shame: A Powerful Force

2007-10-04T03:11:35Z

So, the cab pull up to the San Diego International Airport, I am going home. It has been a long eight days on a major project. By all measures the program went well. While it had its moments, it was a hit. I get to the United counter, putting my one, large suitcase on the scale. I check in, start to walk away and the counter person, just doing their job, calls me back. It seems my bag is 2 pounds overweight. A neat feat since it has nothing new in it since it was checked in DC, where it weighed 48 pounds. The counter person explains that it will be an extra $50, on top of the full fare first class ticket. I politely explain that I didn’t add anything and the scale in DC had a different reading. He said he was sure of that, for it happened all of the time, but it would still be $50. I didn’t argue. I was too tired.

I gave him my credit card, payed signed the slip and walked away without saying a word. That is the rub. I didn’t wish him a good evening, a nice day, I didn’t say thank you, nothing, I just walked away. I didn’t argue, I was too tired for that and in a kind of disbelief. I did wonder why we take such treatment from the airlines, from over booked flights to too many flights at one time. But I left it at that.

So, now I am sitting in the terminal, wishing I had been kinder to a man who had probably had a rough day, from rude customers to whatever. Now I added to that. I could go out through security, get in line and apologize, but I think not. I didn’t do anything which warrants that trip. I had already said good bye when he called me back.

Yet, I still feel bad, that is not the person I want to be. It isn’t who I like to be, how I like to act, the person of whom I am proud. So, I will sit, meditate on it, forgive myself, chalk it up to being truly tired, but also work to be a better person in similar situations. They will happen again and this shame that I feel is a reminder that I am better than that behavior indicates. Time to forgive myself, but not forget. Now for the all night flight home, oh how I wait to get home. I always love going home no matter how well the show has gone, how much fun I have had, no matter what, home wins out. Traveling mercies.